My First Year of BJJ
April 2018
I just passed my first year of BJJ classes, started April 7th and missed a few weeks with injury and a class here and there for travel. It has been great for me on many levels - I could point to flexibility, certain types of strength, advanced laundry skills, kinesthetic awareness, breathing (yoga breathing) and a different way of dealing with stress… But one thing I am grateful for is a feeling on some days when I leave class and walk home. Sore (and the walk of about a mile is good for that), alert and at peace. A calm euphoria. Like I have released some pent up energy in the only way it can release.
Not sure why and really don’t want to overthink it. It is just a good place to be in the mornings. A good way to start the day. Part of it is the people with whom you have this connection but no other. It is not that I wouldn’t want to see these folks in another context but after class I am satiated. Feel like enough has been said (though little is spoken). I have learned a little piece of a big and evolving puzzle. Hopefully I have been a good training partner. Have learned from the other students. And most of all have watched the professor carefully as every moment is revealing something. This is all you need - as a white belt anyway. I am sure it will change but this is how it works now.
The gym is a wonderful place. Small and cramped but oddly enough an oasis. Outside construction and traffic. In the building 2 or 3 beam-thumping aerobics or spin classes… But here the slap of mats, the professor’s voice and each other’s breathing.
Ego is there and the biggest thing to work on. For me fear at times. Inability to see the moves. Forget to breathe. Worrying about falling wrong and getting hurt, or hurting a partner. Remembering I am older and thinking I look foolish doing this with a bunch of young strong bodies. Some days I am afraid to roll. Feel old and breakable.
Just thinking ‘good to be here’ can get me out of it. Because it is a really good place to be. So say a centering prayer, put the mouthguard in and take a drink. Good to go.
As I walk home on good days, with a little buzz, find myself thinking “this is a beautiful thing to do”. I am lucky to find it and to find this school. This morning the idea that “jui jitsu opens doors in you” came to me. And that is how it feels. Little doors inside - connections made. ‘Free your mind so your ass will follow’ to borrow an idea from Funkadelic - and it seems to work both ways. As a white belt, this means dealing with confusion and learning how to move to fit your body and keep it safe and in control. That is the battle now. The gulf between me and a good blue belt is probably as great as that between that blue belt and a brown or black belt. It is not linear - I get that. There are no shortcuts and I don’t know if I would take one. Miss opening a door or two and you miss some opportunities…
Humbled this morning to drill with a guy 10-15 years older than me. Still in good shape. Still trying and learning. That’s it - there is really nothing else. This class I watched the professor more than usual - incredible ability to unpack a series of moves (and yes the chess analogy works to an extent) and show them - transfer of knowledge on the mats is a hard thing. And he makes it look easy. A whole other level.
And what exactly is he teaching? Self defense? A sport? A “do” or way of life (as in ju-do)?
At times there is confusion for me. If you stop to think about what you are doing (and one should do so) it is dark. You are choking or breaking limbs, disarticulating joints. You could change someone’s life or kill them and live with that. Or succumb yourself.
These things are shown to you so you can understand them, recognize them and escape them, or use them. But there is more. Socrates says at some place ‘life is no great thing…’. It is short, death inevitable and its arrival multitudinous. BJJ (and I am sure other martial arts) takes you safely close to this so you can explore some boundaries, open some doors.
The ability to trust the professor and (mostly) the other students is an amazing thing. A black belt could easily push a move a few more seconds or inches and you would be in trouble. Nothing you could do. You know that he or she knows that - you come together and drill moves and on a typical day everyone goes home a bit sore but ok.
There is a lot going on with BJJ: mind, body, psyche. As a white belt I see little glimpses. Learn a series of moves and a door opens, light goes on a little connection made. Feels so good walking home.