Holy Family
December 2018
Came out of church thinking about the path and ego - so it was a good morning. This morning was the feast of the Holy Family - Mary Jesus and that other guy you literally never hear about. A feast day means the mass will focus on this as a theme. The readings, the homily and the responses will be focused on a set of ideas. So I think about Joseph and wonder at what this is trying to teach us about him in the context of the family. Like the Holy Ghost in the Trinity - Joseph is a mystery for me, a third who is essential but at the same time hard to understand.
Growing up American Catholic of Irish and German background there would be clever association of Joseph with the hard working men for whom Sundays was a day to be somewhat absent and absorbed in activities that were a bit mysterious. Not so much my immediate family but the older generation. Elks club, favorite bars or who knows what. This kind of humor I grew up with - I can see Uncle Bob saying something sardonic and slightly sacrilegious and Aunt Mary saying hush and changing the subject… As a kid you don’t really understand but you internalize these ideas. At some point in time you associate church on Sunday with older devout women and what the men did as something remote and a bit mysterious.
Again - I don’t mean any precise memories and I think this idea might be more general than just the version of Christianity that I was born into.
Looking at the depictions of the manger scene - Joseph is to the back and is often in a sheltering position - sometimes you see him from the back at a 3/4 position his head turned down. Often he is directly behind Mary - supporting her, sheltering both. The baby is the focal point or sometimes Mary and the baby.
The Gospel story this morning was in part about how while traveling, Mary and Joseph lose track of 12 year-old Jesus and have to backtrack and search for him for a few days. When they find him Mary says something along the lines of “Why did you do this to us?” A natural response to the terror of losing a child, especially for days.
Nothing said about Joseph - the first thing I associate his mindset with is Stoicism. The only thing we know about Joseph is his actions. He travels to Nazareth to pay his taxes. He is a carpenter. He does what is necessary, he takes care of his family, he makes things with his hands and doesn’t talk too much (and especially doesn’t appear to complain). Not exactly the “quiet professional” but not far from it either.
Weirdly this got me all thinking about themes from the book “Extreme Ownership”. Thinking about Joseph and what is hard for me about being a father/husband. Moments where I am not acknowledged. Cringeworthy moments where I say something along the lines of “I have been working hard I deserve quiet/respect/this beer…”. Ego. These are the moments where you should reflect upon the enormous gift it is to be a dad and a husband. To have such a path. And to be able to use your abilities to provide. Joseph is the reminder that you need to stay the path no matter what. The little disciplines of everyday life - wake up early, exercise, keep your mind and heart clear, do something of service to others, reflect-pray-read, etc - are not the path. The Family itself is the path.
And BJJ (Brasilian Jiu Jitsu) teaches lessons in this area. One of the dangers of having a model like Joseph (or even of a quiet professional like Jocko, Leif, JP, Dave Burke, etc) is we don’t imagine them failing. Luckily BJJ shows you that you will fail. A lot. And retry and learn how to deal with the constant opponent that is your own ego. There are moments in BJJ where you understand “If this happened in real life I would not walk away.” Luckily you can tap, reset, catch your breath, and try to get a little farther down the path… A very different idea from respawning in a video game. This is what BJJ teaches and I don’t know anything else that does. It is a lesson to apply to everyday life.
I can imagine Joseph failing, having doubts and worries, getting exhausted. But getting up again. Not just a lack of ego but a deep faith and strength combined with the will to stay on the path.
The path is a sobering idea. We don’t usually talk or think about where it goes. In fact the path is all we have. And if you are phenomenally lucky to have a family - that becomes the shape of the path.
Cormac McCarthy is one of my favorite American writers and the idea of a path is in just about every story. (“Blood Meridian” is about one of the darkest things I have ever read and maybe that shows the lack of a path…) In the novel “The Road” - you see this idea throughout. Also “The Crossing”. At the end of “No Country…” the sheriff who has just retired and he talks about dreams he had of his own father.
“I had two dreams about him after he died. I dont remember the first one all that well but it was about meetin him in town somewheres and he give me some money and I think I lost it. But the second one it was like we was both back in older times and I was on horseback goin through the mountains of a night. Goin through this pass in the mountains. It was cold and there was snow on the ground and he rode past me and kept on goin. Never said nothin. He just rode on past and he had this blanket wrapped around him and he had his head down and when he rode past I seen he was carryin fire in a horn the way people used to do and I could see the horn from the light inside of it. About the color of the moon. And in the dream I knew that he was goin on ahead and that he was fixin to make a fire somewhere out there in all that dark and all that cold and I knew that whenever I got there he would be there. And then I woke up.”
A pretty elemental idea - a shrouded figure carrying embers to start a fire ahead on the path. And the faith that there will be a fire up ahead in the dark and cold. Its striking that the figures are alone and don’t communicate. There is understanding but no communication. Its one of the most primal images I can think of to explain what a father is and my concept of St. Joseph.
- related idea
“A woman’s highest calling is to lead a man to his soul, so as to unite him with Source.
Her lowest calling is to seduce, separating man from his soul and leave him aimlessly wandering.
A man’s highest calling is to protect woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed.
Man’s lowest calling is to ambush and force his way into the life of a woman.”
- (Cherokee proverb)