Meet You in the Playground
June 2019
Saw this on my timeline - someone I respect posted it but I disagreed with the point.
I somewhat am in the snowflake camp on this one.
What’s the conventional narrative (assuming this is pre “Warrior Kid” book availability)? Kid gets bullied - dad or older male takes him out to the barn and shows him how to jab, cross and hook. Kid is now set to handle himself. But there is so much more to learn. There are very few Hollywood bullies out there. You need much more nuance. Also you don’t want that kid getting to 17, 18 with the same logic.
They will get or give concussions - or worse. If/ when they start drinking and get into bar fights - punching and kicking no joke. They need more tools.
I feel like a lot gets lost in the discussion of bullies. What you start to see around the age of 10-11 is an increase in aggression. Kids get taught that aggression is “toxic” (which is bullshit). It’s natural and when channeled, a good thing. And girls got it too.
So, when they were 9 and 11, I got them in a local BJJ class together because I thought they might accidentally hurt each other while horsing around. They liked it and soon they were going with a bunch of classmates - boys and girls. Over time some good things happen.
1) Yes they are a bit more confident, etc, etc but the real lessons are more nuanced. They’d come home with a bruise or blood around the nose once in a while. And it was no big deal. Over time these became something to laugh about if they were minor. And something to ice up if more serious. My son has gotten a bloody nose from a girl he rolls with. And after class they walk home together in a group laughing and talking. This is healthy.
2) Once my younger son was stripped of a stripe on his belt because he did not stop against a smaller boy in a submission. The boy did not tap but the teacher’s argument was that you need to know, you need to be in control of your body and emotions so that you do nto hurt each other. This is a core idea of BJJ - you train as hard as you can but in a way that maximizes the chance that everyone goes home without serious injury. In short you take care of each other.
3) Girls. Want to make boys natural feminists? The girls that my boys were rolling with at 11-12 years old had backgrounds in gymastics, etc. A 75 pound girl can armbar a 95 pound boy in a few milliseconds - with some training. In BJJ the natural advantage in strength that boys get around puberty is somewhat offset by mobility and achievable skills. So girls learn to kickass and boys learn to not rely only on strength. Great lessons. They also are a lot more comfortable around the opposite sex. Some of that awkwardness goes away with a shared experience.
4) Bullies. You shouldn’t tell bullies to stop. Bring them to BJJ - with a decent instructor. (Now, let me say I am talking about some bullies. Not that .1% budding psychopath nor that kid that needs help with emotion and impulse). I am convinced that kids NEED to express aggression. Boys and girls. Introverts and extroverts. Bullies will learn to not hurt other kids and will get some of that pent up aggression out.
Go to a gym and watch kids doing BJJ (actually that sounds creepy) you will see relaxation on their faces and bodies. Tears, yes sometimes. But overall after them doing it for ~4 years (and me for about 2) you see people with respect and camaraderie.
Now when they actually get into a fight - the focus will change. It won’t be the flailing punches of a playground fight. They have less to prove and know how to control and exhaust even a bigger opponent. More likely they will walk away because they got it out of their system on the mats the day before…